


Death do us part

by WhatdoyouwantJaeger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Art, Bottom Eren Yeager, Drug Use, Eren Is a Little Shit, Eren Yeager Has Heterochromia Iridum, F/F, F/M, Grisha Yeager's Bad Parenting, M/M, Mikasa Ackerman & Levi Are Related, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, Short Eren Yeager, Slow Build, Suicide Attempt, Tall Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), mute reiner
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-03-01 23:46:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13305900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatdoyouwantJaeger/pseuds/WhatdoyouwantJaeger
Summary: Behind my smile is a hurting heart.Behind my laugh,I'm falling apart.Look closely at me and you will see,The boy I am...Isn't me-yours trulyEren JeagerNot good at summaries, read tags





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine

   The warm sand stuck between the toes of a boy who looked out at the cerulean sea, the sounds of waves crashing about around him. It quieted out the sobbing that was coming from the boy, though if you looked closely you could see the shaking of his shoulders and hands that were wound up in tight fist by his sides alerting you to know he was crying. The boy took a small step towards the roaring sea, the shaking of his body only increasing every step he took closer to the ocean. If you looked you could tell a huge storm was coming, the skies were a dark angry gray and the water that made up the ocean crashed angrily against the dock and the beach. That didn't detour the boy, he knew that this was the best time to sink into the ocean and never emerge until the storm was long gone. The icy water nipped at the sun kissed skin of the boy who had tear stains on his cheeks, a loud boom went off above him. He was half way in the water, it about up to his waist before he felt arms wrap around his mid-section and yanking him out of the water. The scream the boy let out was ear piercing, wet legs and arms flailing around him and the mystery person who pulled him out. When he was brought to the bench and set down he felt a jacket being placed around his shoulders. If he wasn't already crying, he would be right this second. His wide tear filled eyes went up to the person who stopped him from ending it all. 

"W-w-why? W-why did y-you do t-that?" The boy's eyes filled up with anger alongside his tears. The stranger has jet black hair, bangs divided down the middle and hair styled in an undercut. Gunmetal eyes met a dull but angry blue and gold, face completely blank of emotion. 

"No man or women in their right mind would allow some brat kill themselves." The man, skin as pale as snow said with a voice too monotoned and lips pulled into a thin line. The boy wanted to scream that it wasn't the man's decision, but he was so numb and done to scream and argue. The boy sunk down into the man's long black trench coat, pulling it more around him and bawling his lungs out. The man sat next to the kid, not saying anything and not doing anything. He allowed the brat to cry, it seemed like the kid needed it. And soon the kid was just left with sniffles and a chill that just wouldn't go away. And being wet didn't help any. His mismatched colored eyes now red and puffy looked up at the man next to him, his hands holding on tight to the lapels of the man's jacket. 

"You shouldn't have saved me regardless that you felt the need too. The world is better place without me being in it." The boy hoarsely spit out. "I'm disgusting and just filth, why couldn't you let the ocean swallow me up like all the other trash." He hissed out, the boy felt like he was going to cry again.

"Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll leave you be and if you still feel the need to end it all after I'm gone the go ahead. But I want you to listen to me first, as cliché as it sounds it does get better. Maybe not now or maybe not for another few years but it will get better kid." The man reached his hand up and ruffled up the kids' hair. He then stood up, dusting the sand off his slacks. "Keep the jacket." With that the man walked away, and the boy just dully looked after him. But after he was no longer in sight the kid got up and walked back over to the ocean, the water nipping at his feet once again. But this time he didn't take any more steps into the sea but instead looked on, thinking back to the man's words. The boy decided that maybe there is more to his life, maybe even after what happened to him he could move on. So, he brought the trench coat closer to his body and wondered home.  
\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

So, let's skip a few years, let's say about six because that's when the boy is no longer a boy but a nineteen-year-old man. His life never really did get any better, not even when the man that called himself his father died of an "heart attack" when he was fifteen. The boy moved from one foster home to another, some reasons were because he was too quick to anger. He was almost dumped into juive for kicking in a foster parent privates, but the other foster kids stepped in and explained that it was self-defense. Though he was court order anger management and weekly therapy sessions. The boy wasn't going to let anyone ever touch him wrongly ever again, he vowed to himself the day his "father" died that he would beat anyone's face in if they dared. The boy may be short for his age but he was all by means not weak. He trained, he trained hard all through his youth after that day he met the man who saved his life. His skin may be marred with scars to prove that life was against him and his eyes still may be dull but he greeted every new day with open arms. Though he only could when his mind was induced in Alprazolam, Ambien, Vicodin. It never effected his art though, his calloused fingers moved graciously across the canvas to only leave behind intricate art of beautiful lines of dark reds, blues, greens, grays, and blacks. The drugs never had him dull enough not to paint or sketch or anything remotely considered art. It also didn't affect the way he played his guitar or piano or any other instrument he considered playing. He never had trouble turning in work on time or even paying attention in any of his classes. They were taken to keep the memories at bay and the demons asleep, it helped him not want to beat in anyone's skull that looked at him wrongly.

He may have been brought up in foster care but once he hit the age eighteen he was accepted into a college of his choice on a full ride scholarship. It was his second year at Parsons New School for Design and Eugene Lang College, his major is in BA/BFA dual degree. Or BAFA for short. BAFA was for students who wanted a comprehensive education in liberal arts and music or arts. He still had three more years of school before he was done.

With the black trench coat securely wrapped around his lean frame he trudged up the steps with a permeant scowl secured tightly on his face, his fingertips slightly numbed by the cold weather that seemed like was a constant for New York. His Anthropology class didn't start until at least another hour but the heat was cut off at his apartment so he decided to take warmth from the university's library. His bag laid limp against his hip but bounced whenever he took another step up the stairs. The sound of his named being called had him stopping short on the top step, his head turning to look over his shoulder to see who called. 

"Ah, hello Armin." The man bounced up the steps until he was right in front of him, his bright blonde hair pulled into a neat bun with his hair falling slightly in his face and grin across his lips. Even a step below him he was still taller. "How are you this morning?"

"I'm great! Ah right," Armin rose his hand that held a large coffee cup, steam bellowing out from the small drinking hole. "I brought you a coffee. I had a feeling you might be coming to school early." Armin didn't attend either of the man's universities and they only met because his cousin Krista attends Parsons and has a class with the man. They had gotten lunch and he was there as well, they clicked instantly, seemed like they've been best friends for years. Though Armin was more open and cheerful than him and he was more reserved and a bit bitter they got along swimmingly. Krista was surprised, the boys not so much. Though the man was majoring in BAFA he still knew quite a bit about chemistry and biomechanics and medicine. That was the man's first choice to be honest, biomechanics. But he loved art way more than anything so he pursued what made him happy when he didn't believe he deserved it. They had much to talk about that wasn't just science though, they talked about some of the same shows they watched and the same books they seemed to enjoy. So, then on they were the best of friends. That was last year. "Jean told me the heater was out in the apartment so, here you go Eren. Just the way you like it." Ah right, I haven't introduced are lovely shorty here have I? This is Eren Jaeger, born in Massachusetts but lived in California until he was fifteen in a half. 

"Thanks Ar, I always knew I liked you." Eren grinned mischievously, his long numb fingers wrapping around the hot cup of joe that was already warming him up immensely. Even if he had yet to take a drink of it. "Though that douchey horse faced boyfriend of yours makes me consider your sanity." From the slight insult about his boyfriend had the blonde frowning and reaching for the cup of coffee to take back. Eren was fast though and moved up the rest of the step and headed for the glass doors. 

"That's mean, you know. You shouldn't talk so lowly of Jean, he's sweet and doesn't have a horse face. There's no need for you to question my sanity for loving him." Armin tersely said, blue eyes barely seen through the slits of eyelids as he glared at Eren. "And if you don't like him so much why did you agree to be his roommate?" The blonde was soon by his side as they walked through the halls of the school, dodging just a few of other students that happened to be there as well. Eren turned his gaze from the coffee cup in his hand up to his best friend with a raised brow.

"I may not like the guy but he doesn't bother me so I'm able pretend I live alone." Armin's frown just deepens more, his eyes filling up with disbelief. "We don't fight any longer if that makes you feel better, I keep to myself and he does the same. We coexist with each other without actually talking to one an another. That should be enough, I don't need to be friends with him Ar." That didn't fend well with the blonde though, the blonde wanted his boyfriend and best friend to get along not just tolerate the others existence. It left the blonde feeling upset with the situation but he knew there wasn't any more he could do and Eren's right at least they're not fighting any longer. 

"Okay, fine. I guess that's all I'm gonna get from the both of you." Eren returned his gaze to his coffee satisfied with Armin accepting that and took a drink. The hot black coffee burning his throat just right, it would be way too hot for anyone else but it was just right to Eren. "Well, I'm going to go meet up with Jean before his class. We're still on for tonight right?" Eren raised his cup in silent agreement and continued his way to the library. The blonde heading to the opposite direction with a shake of his head and a fond smile on his lips. 

\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Eren found himself dressed slightly different from his dark attire in a restaurant that made him more uncomfortable than he wanted to feel. The dark washed skinny jeans he had on and slightly faded green Henley seemed way to causal for this place Armin decided to drag him too. Eren had to ask for the night off from work to be here and it better be worth it. Eren sat nervously in the booth, waiting impatiently for Armin to show up, though he wasn't going to be alone so he was told before. Eren was going to decline when learned of that but the look on the blonde's face, that hopeful look had Eren holding his tongue and agreeing. Though now he wished he made an excuse up for not being able to make it. The sound of multiple footsteps approaching him had him lifting his gaze from the weirdly designed table top and in that direction. Armin, Krista, and Jean were the only faces he had a name for. He seen the girl with black hair pulled into a ponytail and freckles that littered her face before with Krista, but he has never seen the girl with ebony black hair and a vibrant red scarf or the man with freckles that dusted his cheeks that looked a little like the girl with freckles also. There also was a guy slightly shorter than him with a bald head that was holding a girls hand that seemed to be drooling profusely. 

"Eren!" Armin released Jean's hand and scooped the short man from the booth, though Eren had to help him do so. His arms timidly wrapping around Armin's shoulders before he pulled away completely. Eren then sent a small smile and a nod over to Krista and just looked in Jean's direction before looking back at Armin. He was silently asking for an introduction to the people that tagged along. "AH, right! Let me introduce you to everyone." He first turned towards the girl with the red scarf and a dopey grin across his lips. "This is Mikasa, Mikasa this is Eren." They both shared a curt nod with each other though she had added a slight wave at the end. Armin then turned to the girl hanging off Krista with an amused look because the girl was grinning devilishly. "And this lovely woman here is Ymir, Krista's girlfriend. Ymir, this is Eren."

"I've heard so much about you Eren, from Krista and Armin alike. Though I got to say, your eyes look even more amazing in person. I didn't actually believe them when they said you had two different colored eyes until Krista brought up a picture she had taken with you." Eren gave a small chuckle at the compliment though it left him bothered and uncomfortable, not really used to favorable words about his mismatched eyes.

"I think they look weird and a bit freaky." Came the reply he was used too. It was said by the bald guy, his lips pursed until he realized he was being glared at by five different sets of eyes. Which he then gaped like a fish at each of them. Eren didn't care, it didn't bother him anymore so he shrugged it off like it was no big deal. 

"Its fine, I'm used to the response. Yours not so much, but thank you regardless." He nodded at Ymir and shrugged again towards the baldly. Armin didn't seem to care though, he was so disappointed at the response Connie gave that he was still glaring at him so much so he could be burning holes in the man's forehead. 

"It's not okay Eren, that was rude and uncalled for." Eren just waved it off and Armin sighed and continued on with his introductions. "Well, this rude guy right here is Connie, and the lovely lady by his side that seems to be drooling still is Sasha." Said girl waved enthusiastically, Connie rose his hand to wipe away the drool and grimacing all the while. It was quite disgusting and unsanitary to Eren, he also didn't understand how someone could drool that much. 

"Can we eat now?" Sasha boomed out, her eyes wide with hunger that had Eren chuckling and afraid if they didn't feed her now she'll start eating peoples hands instead. But Armin glared over at her with an unamused eyebrow raised and arms crossed tightly over his chest.

"I'm not done introducing everyone yet Potato girl." Armin sighed again and turned towards the boy that seem too pure and innocent to be in a group that had Jean in it. "Anyways, this freckled jesus right here is our saint Marco." So Eren wasn't the only one that seen the pureness from the freckled man. "Also, to be related to Ymir, twins actually." Eren nodded in the saint's direction, receiving an even brighter grin. The man reached his hand out and Eren felt like he would be dirtying the man if he touched but did so anyways. Giving a quick shake before releasing it and allowing his hand to fall back to his side. 

"Hello Eren, it's great to finally meet you." Marco beamed and Eren had to squint his eyes from the brightness of it. He didn't understand how someone could be so damn bright and happy. 

"Nice to meet you all." Eren made eye contact with each person he met today and then slid back into the booth, Armin sliding in next him, then Jean and Mikasa. Krista was the first to slid in on the other side, Ymir right next her and then Marco. Connie and Sasha brought chairs from a nearby table and sat at the end of theirs. The waiter came by soon after that, taking all their drink orders before scurrying off to put them in. They all talked animatingly with each other, Eren putting in his two cents here and there. He found himself smiling a little more around his new friends and it seemed like Mikasa and him hit off just as well as he had with Armin. It felt nice to seem like he belonged, even if it was just for a little while.  
\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Soon the dinner was over and they all found themselves out in the cool brisk air of New York, all saying their goodbyes. Jean going with Armin though and Eren was glad for that, he needed the apartment to himself. Mikasa brought him into a hug before going their separate ways and giving him her number. He thanked her and said his goodbyes to everyone else before slowly making his way back to the apartment. Mikasa's number laid heavily in his pocket though as he walked home, she was so different from Armin. She was more reserved and quiet, she reminded him of himself. He felt like this girl might have went through things like him, maybe not exactly like him but close enough. Even so he knew he would never be able to open up with the raven women. He found himself in front of his apartment faster than he thought, the keys in the keyhole already. He spent too much time in his mind and he didn't like that. He quickly made his way into his own room, pulling open his nightstand drawl and taking out his medicine bottles. After having one of each in his palm he took the pills dry, plopping down on his bed and blankly staring at the popcorned ceiling. His eyes slipped closed soon after that but snapped open when his phone let off a shrill ring from his pocket. Eren clumsily pulled it from his pocket and answered it without looking at the Id. 

"Hello?" A shrill form of his name was what he was greeted with. "Ah, Hello Dr. Zoe"

"How many times should I tell you, call me Hanji. How was dinner with Armin and all his friends? Did you meet anyone that caught your fancy? Any new friends? Any new enemies? Did you have fun?" All that was said in one breath, which caused Eren to roll his eyes in fondness. But then he heard a voice in the background that sounded like someone he knew, who? He had no idea.

"Shitty glasses, you expect whoever you're talking to too understand what you're saying? Slow the fuck down, you dimwit." That voice sent shivers up and down his spine that were pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. Dr. Zoe cackled on the other end of the phone that always seemed to freak him out more than it should. 

"Oh, stop being such a grump Levi, he can understand me just fine. Right my sweet cinnamon roll?" Eren sighed and just hung up, he was already done with this conversation and plus he needed to start on his new piece for class. He begrudgingly got up and out of bed, dragging his feet to the art easel in front of the bay windows in his room and got to work.


	2. Chapter two

Eren found himself sitting across Dr. Zoe the next day, paint staining his fingers that laid sprawled out across his cheek. He looked blankly at the doctor, his eyes blinking occasionally. Hanji stared back at Eren, blinking more often than the dual eyed man before her. Her eyes squinting slightly as she leaned forward a bit, eyes dancing across Eren's face silently assessing the man. It always freaked Eren out when she did it, it made it seem like she was seeing right threw him. Knew everything he was thinking, everything he was feeling or planned on doing. 

"So Eren, I gotta say. That was rude of you last night, I expect that from my friend Levi but not from my cinnamon roll. You hurt my feelings." Dr. Hanji had finally said, a pout taking over her lips and her arms crossed loosely over her chest.  Eren rolled his eyes though, stretching his arms above his head and arching his back in a way that it made him look like a cat. "I sense that you're not gonna apologize so I guess we'll move on from that." She sighed and leaned forward a bit more, almost falling out of her seat. "How are you feeling today Eren? Any thoughts of suicide?" Dr. Zoe's eyes danced over Eren's face again as she leaned back into her rolling chair, picking up her notepad and pen. 

"I feel just as I felt the last time I was here Dr. Zoe, fine. And to settle your mind even more, no thoughts of suicide." Came Eren's blank reply, he was unsurprisingly tired. The bags under his eyes even more prominent than yesterday. "Though I can go for a cup of coffee. What do you say Dr. Zoe, let's call this session short and go get one?" He watched as Dr. Zoe pursed her lips before she spontaneously stood up, her lips now stretched with a wide grin.

"Sure, why not? And Eren, its Hanji." It was unorthodox to leave a session early, especially for a cup of coffee with her patient. But she wouldn't be Hanji if she followed by the rules. She then grabbed Eren's hand and pulled him up off the couch. Eren grunted in surprise, frowning up at the crazy haired women before him. "But don't think we're not talking just because we're going for coffee. Though it will be a light conversation, nothing heavy or anything you don't want to talk about." She beamed down at him, throwing her arm over his shoulder and lead them out of her office. Eren nodded, crossing his arms over his chest and letting Hanji lead them to wherever she pleases for coffee. They made their way to the elevator at the end of the hallway that was in the office building Hanji worked in. It held all kinds of doctor's though this level was mainly filled with therapist's and psychologist's. Hanji happened to be not only a psychologist but the co-owner of the building, her Husband Erwin Smith was the CEO and owner of the building. But Hanji was also a biophysicist which was the study between the various systems of a cell, DNA, RNA, and protein biosynthesis, and their interactions using physical science to study biological systems. She was also an anthropologist which Eren already knew. Hanji scared him more than he let on, her degree in so many different fields of science. It reminded him of his father, but he trusted Hanji which his mind always supplied to him that he was crazy for doing so. 

They came upon a small café not too far from the building, the inside of the shop supposedly gave off a homey feeling but it left Eren uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe it remined him of his childhood home, the way his mom always had something baking in the oven when he came home from school. That was probably it. It made him feel sick, but he wouldn't point it out because he knew if he let it slip than it would be brought up in their next session and Eren didn't want to talk about his mom again. Hanji shooed him off to find a table as she placed their order and Eren happily complied. Finding a nice table at back of the café in a corner so he could watch the doors and not worry about someone was sneaking up behind him. The small table made him a bit more comfortable in the café, he watched as Hanji pulled her wallet out and paid the barista behind the counter that had the most fake grin it hurt to stare at it too long. 

Soon Hanji made her way to him, sitting across from him with a grin that rivalled the Cheshire cat and left Eren on edge. Her hands were crossed on top of the table, her leaning so far over it that she was practically laying on top of it. Eren's eyebrow rose so far up it disappeared into his hairline, him leaning back as far as he could in the corner he put himself in.

"What is it Hanji?" That only had her grinning even wider, it probably must have been that he actually used her name but it could also be because she was crazy. Eren could never tell with the eccentric crazy eyed brunette. "You are seriously freaking me out, you nutjob. Back it up, haven't you ever heard of personal space. Jesus woman." Fortunately, Hanji pulled away leaving at least the table between them and Eren could breathe easily then. "Are you going to tell me why you're being a weirdo more so than usual?" She sighed but that grin never left her lips, which now had him fidgeting in his chair. His eyes scooping out an escape route just in case. Hanji went to open her mouth to finally say what was on her mind to only be irrupted by the barista bringing them their coffees. A cup of the sugary shit was placed in front of him, having him grimace and glare over at Hanji for ordering him such an absurd drink. Hanji looked confusedly at him until a plain black coffee was placed in front of her, so black that had her nose scrunching up in disgust. She quickly looked up at the barista to find her gone and then back down at the tar in front of her then over to Eren's drink to see him glaring at it. At that it clicked that the barista just happened to mix up the drinks and Hanji's hands moved quickly to fix the mistake. Now Eren had his preferred drink in front of him his glare dissipated and his was left with a ghost of a smile.

Hanji inhaled half her drink before she looked back up at Eren. "So how was last night, I never got my answers since you rudely hung up on me. Though I must thank you, you left Levi laughing his ass off at my expense." She grinned over at the other brunet, her hands wrapped securely around her sugary coffee cup and watched the brunet sip at his own cup of joe.

"Last night was interesting, met a few new people. Mikasa, one of the new ones, and I clicked just as quick like I had with Armin." Hanji was still all cackles and smiles but a flash of recognition flashed in the brunettes' brown eyes that had Eren narrowing his own. "Do you know Mikasa?" Hanji pursed her lips and nodded her head, then taking another gulp of her coffee. "How do you know her? Is she a patient of yours?" Eren knew if she was Hanji wouldn't say so, patient confidentiality and all that jazz. But Hanji shook her head, a grin replacing the pursed lips and now Hanji looked normal again.

"No, she's not a patient of mine, but she is Levi's younger cousin." Ah Levi, this is her second time mentioning him. He was the man he heard over the phone last night, the man that had pleasant and unpleasant shivers up his spine. The man who had a voice that he has heard before but for some reason can't place. Eren shook that thought away and glanced down at his coffee, nodding his head. "So, anything else happen last night?" Eren shook his head, nothing else really happened last night, not enough to have him mention to the crazy broad across from him. Telling Hanji about Mikasa number didn't make that list, she would blow it way out of proportion when it was just because she wanted him to have if he needed her or whatever.

\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

                The rest of his day was spent in front of an empty canvas that sat unfavorably on the art easel in front of his bedroom windows. He couldn't think of anything to paint and it was grating on his nerves, his jaw set tight and his knuckles white where they were clutched on the stool. He couldn't stand it, he's been sitting in front of this damn thing for hours and still could conjure something up for the damn project. He gave up, standing up abruptly and storming out of his room with his trench coat on. Slamming the front door behind him and taking the stair by two before he took off in fast run. His tennis shoes barely touching the floor before lifting back up for another step, his breathing slow and even as he ran down the road. Eren's hands where in tight fist as he tried to clear his mind, not in the mood to take his medication just yet and the only other way to help his wondering mind was running. The wind nipped at his face the faster he pushed himself to run, only slowing down when the streets begin to fill with people. His brisk pace slowing down to a slow trot, Eren's eyes skimming all around him and then when he cleared the crowd he took off once again. His heart hammering and endorphins pouring out of him in waves. He was more on edge then usual and it seemed like this run wasn't doing anything for him so, he caved. Stopping suddenly and running his shaking hands through his windswept hair. Eren needed something strong, he needed to feel numb and it was crazy all this is happening because he couldn't complete his art project, let alone start it. Eren knew deep down it wasn't that. It was the fact that date is just around the corner and Eren is feeling depressed. Sick to his stomach and wanting to close his eyes and never open them again. 

There was nothing he could do about it but numb his brain and the only way he could do that was by taking something stronger than he was prescribed, though the Vicodin wasn't exactly prescribed but no one needed to know that but Eren. He found himself walking towards where his dealer lived, his feet carrying him like he was on autopilot and his eyes even more dazed than usual. The buildings, big and small passed him by, just as the people did, in a blur. Eren wasn't feeling himself, even when it was hard to pinpoint who himself was at any other time but right now he felt so out of place, like he was floating outside his body and looking down at him. Eren's feet pattered against the concrete until he stopped in front of a tan stoned house in the nicer parts of New York, Eren sweating even in this cold. His knuckles rapped against the light brown wooden door, Eren peering in through window and watching as a six-foot-tall bulky blonde man smiling like a fool walked towards the door. The blonde man pulls the door open and just as quick yanking him into a bone crushing hug, Eren's face being smooshed into the big man's chest. He could never get out of these hugs, no matter how uncomfortable and how many times he told the big lug. 

                "Jesus, Reiner let me go!" And just like that the blonde releases him, taking a large step back to let Eren step in the house. Though Reiner was confused, it was just last week he gave the kid half a bottle Vicodin and knew he shouldn't be back for more so soon. "No I don't need more, I just need something stronger. Just this one time." Eren relented as soon as the door was closed behind him, following Reiner into the living room off the main entrance and taking a seat on the couch closest to the door. Reiner walked out of the room and disappeared around the corner but coming back a second later with a taller male behind him looking too nervous for his own good. Though as soon as the tall brunet saw who it was he seemed to calm considerably, which was kind of funny because Eren isn't as sweet as he looks. But if they didn't know that then it wasn't his fault. 

"H-hey Eren, Reiner said you wanted s-something stronger than your usual?" Eren sank back into the couch a bit, his eyes flicking up and down the taller brunet but nodding a quick curt nod. "Ah okay, well-ll the c-c-company I'm wor-king with asss of l-late is uh approach-oaching the f-final s-stages of this ne-new t-type of pa-pa-painkiller." The brunet licks at his dry lips and shifts his gaze away from Eren for a second and then right back at him, his hands feeling a bit clammy. "It's te-n t-times s-stronger than V-V-Vicodin, t-they're ca-calling it Z-Zohydro. I-I just h-happened to g-get my h-h-hands on a-a f-few of them-em." Bert grins down nervously at Eren, his hand going to the back of his neck as his other hand digs into his pocket and pulls out a little baggy filled with white pills. "Tho-ugh I-I i-insist y-you on-on-only take tw-o, I know-ow y-you nor-mally t-take up to fo-fo-ur pillsss of Vi-Vi-Vicodin in o-one s-sitting b-but as I s-said be-fore. Th-is p-pill is te-n t-t-times s-stronger and-and I wo-would ra-ra-rather yo-u not o-overdose on a-a d-drug th-at i-isn't ev-even on the m-market y-yet or o-o-overdose per-iod." Eren shrugs and pushes himself off the couch, slowly making his way over to the pair. His eyes never leaving the baggy in Bert's hands.

"Okay, then I'll only take two. How much?" Eren's eyes shift from the bag and up to the blonde, his eyebrow raised and his hands deep in his pockets. Reiner signed something to Bert, a grin on his face all the while as he looked down at Eren. "Well?" Bert sighed, pulling out the two white pills and silently asking Eren for his hand. He complied a little to eagerly which had Reiner laughing silently by Bert's side, the skin by his eye wrinkling up. 

"20 a p-pill." Bert dropped both pills in Eren's hand as he said this, Eren using his other hand to dig out his wallet from his sweats. "Sin-since its stronger a-and n-n-not even-en on t-the m-m-market they'll cost-st m-more, mmore than wh-what we-we're ssselling it to y-you for. B-But you're R-Reiner's fav-favorite so you ggget a discount-count." Reiner winks down at him as Eren stashes the pills before pulling two twenties from his wallet. Though Bert was trying to sound fine with the fact that Reiner had a favorite buyer Eren could hear the undertones of anger and jealously. It made him smirk and him send a wink at Bertie and then Reiner. He placed the twenties in Bert's open hand and then patted the man's bicep as he turned on his heels. 

"Thanks. I'll text you later Reiner." Eren quickly made his way through the living room, practically running out the front door and down the steps and onto the sidewalk. Eren than began his trek back towards his apartment, itching to take the pills in his pocket just then instead of waiting to get home. It was a stupid thought but Eren wanted to be so numb now, right now but he had to wait and so he started running again. 

\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

                It was a few days later after he went to Bert and Reiner's place. A few days closer to November 18th. He hated that date, he hated so much his depression normally turned into anger the closer that day got and talking to Hanji doesn't make it any better. The walk to the office building she works in is not too far away from where he works which was good, because Eren's feet are aching for working a longer shift than usual. But that was how it was, he over exerted himself when it came to the month of November. He pushed himself so far from the breaking point it would scare him if he wasn't used to it. Eren walked into the building with his head down and his shoulders slumped even they were tensed at the same time, he normally was more alert and paid a lot more attention to his surroundings but was way too tired to do so. So, when he bumped into someone he shouldn't have been surprised and really wasn't, not until his eyes traveled up the man he ended up bumping into. His gunmetal eyes are what he remembered first, his heart clenching in his chest the more he took in the man that was glaring down at him. He could never forget that face, the way he pulled him from the ocean and ran his hand through his hair before he walked away. As much as he tried to blank out that day, the day he should have ended it all but didn't because this man's word for some reason got to him. He quickly recovered though, masking his surprised and gave this man a blank look, walking around him without apologizing. He's the reason Eren was still alive and Eren blamed him for that. 

                "Fucking shitty brats." He heard him say as he followed behind him. "Don't even have the decency to apologize for not only bumping into me but also for spilling my tea all over my dress shirt." Eren's eyes wondered to the not so clean pressed white shirt and grimaced. He didn't want to be in the same elevator as the man but he clearly had no choice he didn't have enough energy to walk up the stairs. "And it doesn't help that you look like you're going to drop dead at any second." At that Eren looked back up at him, darkly glaring up in those gunmetal eyes. "Oh, did I hit a nerve?" The raven raised an elegant eyebrow a smirk on his lips and if Eren wasn't already glaring at him he would have been now. Everything in Eren wanted to punch this man in the fucking face. But he was glad the man didn't recognize him like he recognized the man. It settled his hammering heart a bit. Eren rolled his eyes and quickly stepped off the elevator when the doors open, flicking the man off as the doors closed. Eren could smirk when a hint of surprised flashed through those smoky eyes. 

                Eren could breath now, his heart slowing down to its normal pace as he walked closer to the crazy doctor and could sink back into that dull state again. He knocked on the door three times before opening it and closing it behind him. Hanji's eyes sparkled as she looked at Eren, though when she saw the state he was in a frown took over that eccentric grin she had on her face. 

                "Eren, are you okay? You don't look all that well. Do you want to lay down?" Eren shook his head as he sat down on the couch across from Hanji, his head swimming with all kinds emotions and he didn't want to say anything about it. 

                "I'm good Dr. Zoe, just a little tired. I worked a double shift so." He shrugged, trying his hardest to push away her concern for something she couldn't fix. Though this whole thing was supposed to help him, let him talk about his feelings and what's bothering him without criticism. Eren could take advantage of that and maybe doing so he'll feel better. "I'm good, really." Hanji only sighed and leaned back in her rolling chair, picking up that damn notepad and pen. Her glasses sat on the tip of her nose as she looked over them at him, looking like all those therapists he was sent to when his dad died. He hated that.

                "Okay Eren, let's get started today. I know that your mother's anniversary is coming up. How are you feeling?" Eren held back the need to roll his eyes, he knew this was going to be brought up but it didn't mean he would want to hear the question regardless. Eren's mouth was set in a thin line, his eyes downcast to his black work shoes and his hands wrung tight in his lap.

                "You remember when I told you about that day six years ago that I tried to kill myself? And only reason why I'm alive today was because some man grabbed me by the waist and pulled me out of the ocean?" He knew he was deflecting the question, he knew Hanji knew he was too but he didn't want to talk about his mother's death, it brought back a lot worse memories than that day he tried to kill himself. He looked up to see Hanji nod her head as she wrote something down in her notepad. "Well," He chuckles, humorless and all, his eyes falling to his shoes again to hide the pain that were in them. "I saw him today." Eren heard Hanji gasp but he didn't look up from his shoes. "I identified him as soon as my eyes met mine. I could never forget those sharp gray eyes even if I wanted too. He didn't recognize me thank goodness. But it just dredged up memories, that I have buried." Eren then looks up, Hanji's eyes trained on him like he'll disappear she looked away. It set him on edge.

                "And what were these memories that he dredged up?" Eren shook his head, that was all he was sharing and by the look that crossed her eyes she knew he wasn't going to open up anymore. "Well, that's okay. We can save that for another session. I'm proud of you Eren. You talked a lot more today about your past. I think you're progressing wonderfully." Hanji gave a bright proud smile at him and closed her notepad, setting it on the desk next to her. Eren didn't think he was progressing even if he did open up some today, if he was honest it made him want to sink down into the ground and disappear forever and completely. He was tire and talking about his feelings just made that worse. "We can cut this session short. I think you need to get home and get some rest. We will be touching base with these memories that man has dredged up and about your mom next time, okay?" Eren just nodded, knowing he wasn't going to talk about either but agreed otherwise. He stood and Hanji did as well, pulling the short brunet into a crushing hug. She kissed the top of his head before pulling away, ruffling up his hair a bit to Eren's utter disdain. 

                He slid out of the office after that, trudging down the quiet hallway with his hands deeps in his pockets. Eren's shoulders were slumped and tensed once again, he walked into the elevator when the doors open. His eye catching gunmetal as the doors close in front of him.


	3. Chapter 3

When Eren arrived home he was blinded with Jean having his tongue down Armin's throat and god did the brunet want to throw up the lunch he had just eaten up, at the same time pour bleach in his eyes or maybe just use a spoon to scoop them out, any of that would suffice. He must of made a disgruntled or disgusted noise because next thing Jean is glaring daggers at the brunet, and Eren was sure it was supposed to send chills down his spine but it didn't. "Ah sorry to interrupt." Eren ends up grumbling out instead of actually insulting the horse-faced idiot, dragging his feet across the carpet as he walked towards his room but the sound of Armin scoffing had him stopping. The scoff was followed by a loud thud and then a pained groan. If Eren had it in him he would have laughed. 

"No, Eren stay. How was your day today?" Eren turned around to see Armin standing a few feet behind him, a small smile on his kissed swollen lips and his hands clasped in front of a noticeable bulge. It caused Eren to raise an eyebrow, a small smirk spreading across his lips and a chuckle to pass his mouth.

"I'm okay Ar, don't want to be a cockblock now do I? Plus I need to work on my art project." As soon as the words come out of the brunet's mouth Armin cheeks turn a dark red that a rival a tomato and then the blonde is gulping so audibly that it almost has him chuckling again. "I'll see you later." With that said Eren turns right back around and straight into his room. He didn't hesitate at all when the bedroom door shut behind him to shove his headphones in his ears, playing whatever depressing shit he had on his phone and sitting in front of the easel once again.  But this time it was different. He knew what he wanted to paint, felt his hands moving on instinct alone. He sat there, in front that easel, painting and painting and painting until he heard a knock on come from his door. 

"Have you been sitting at that easel all night?" Eren's eyes finally moved from the canvas and over to Jean with a annoyed brow raised, disliking the fact that the fucker walked in without waiting for him to say he could. "Right, sorry. Armin made breakfast and wanted me to come wake you up. Though you're already awake." The brunet nodded his head and turned back towards his painting, an unimpressed glint in his eyes and pursed lips. "That's wow, awesome. For lack of better words." The horse face was closer this time, having him flinch and if Jean saw he didn't mention it. Though he had to chuckle, the two-tone man was majoring in lyrical writing and music. He should be overflowing with words that are supposed to make someone swoon. Eren shrugged, he wanted to be confident about his artwork but that feeling that it was terrible sat in the pit of his stomach, churning inside of him and screaming that it was true. Unsurprisingly it sounded a lot like his father. 

"Thanks. Can you get out of my room now?" Jean rolled his eyes but did as he was told, shutting the door behind him gently surprisingly. Eren stood up, stretching his heavy arms over his head and twisting his body from the hip to pop his back. The brunet looked at the canvas one last time before turning and heading out the door to join the others for breakfast.                                         
\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Eren stood in the middle of his room a few days later, right in front of his mirror that hung from the wall with a pair of scissors in his hands and staring at the reflection of himself. The brunet's hair was way to long now, falling far passed his ears, in his eyes and tickling the bottom of his neck along with his shoulders. His fingers drag up to the back of his neck, gripping the long hair there before raising his other hand with the scissors in them and sliding his hair between the twin silver blades. The first cut always takes his breath away, he didn't know why he let his hair grow as long as he did this time but the snip of the scissors cut more of those chocolate locks off of his head and he just felt like he was liberating himself the shorter it got. Eren moving his hand diligently over his head cutting all the long hair and hair in his face. Not before long his hair was short, stopping just below his ear. It was a little choppy, his bangs split in the middle of his forehead, the hairs stopping short of his eyebrows. Some of the hair laid tuck behind his ear and some laid against his temple. He liked it and that's all that matters. It wasn't long and that what matter as well. 

The brunets eyes fall from his reflection to the floor that was now covered in his forgotten locks. The hair spewed all around him in a circle until his bedroom door flew open, sending the strands towards his bed. Eren's gaze shifted from the floor to the raven girl standing in his doorway, her finger wrapped tight around the doorknob. Eren' eyebrows drew together in confusion and slight frustration. Then Armin was right behind her, an apologetic look in his eyes and his lips turned into a frown. Which shifted to surprise quickly, his eyes wonder all over the brunets head and taking in the new haircut.

"You cut your own hair?" The raven asked, her hands falling from the doorknob to walk more in the brunets room and taking a seat on the stool before his easel. "And you paint?" Eren only nodded, walking to the little closet by his bed to pull out the handheld vacuum cleaner and got to work on sucking up all the hairs on the floor and the ones that flew under the bed from Mikasa throwing the door like she owned the place. "It looks nice, your hair I mean. Though so does this painting, amazing even. Though the eyes do look a little familiar." He looks up to see her staring at the painting of an eye with a lightening storm in it. The brunet shrugged, turning off the vacuum when all the hair was gone. It wasn't like the brunet was gonna say he got his inspiration from the ravens older cousin, that would open up to questions he definitely doesn't want to answer. Eren's eyes move to the blond still standing in the doorway, his arms tucked behind his back and a sheepish grin on his lips, his shoulders swaying side to side just a bit.

"Sorry about her just barging in, I know you would rather people knock on your door." The brunet nods and shrugs at the same time, shoving the handheld back into his closet and mumbling a "S'okay." over to the boy. Armin walks in then taking a seat on the edge of the bed, his hands wringing in his lap as he looks up a Eren. "So Mika and I was wondering if you wanted to come to this party with us?" The brunets eyebrows shoots up to his hairline, his lips pursed and arms crossed over his chest. "It's gonna be at Marco and Ymir's place, alcohol, snacks, obnoxiously loud music, sweaty dancing people, but I promise it'll be fun." Eren didn't agree, he hated being in large crowds. It always didn't help that he couldn't stand loud noises all that much. Made him anxious that he couldn't keep an eye on everyone, but he knew that if he went he could talk about the damn party instead of the day before his session with Hanji. So he reluctantly nodded his head, untwisting his arms around his chest and gave a huge sigh. Armin beamed and Mikasa smiled lightly.

Armin hopped up from his bed, engulfing him in a crushing hug before pulling him away at arms length. "I'll send you the address, I have to head back to my place to get ready. We'll see you there." That's when Mikasa stood patting the brunet's shoulder as she passed to the door, a slight smile on her lips. As soon as the door shut behind the both of them Eren felt exhausted and he haven't even went to this little party that he was invited too. Now all he wants to do was take back about going, maybe he could just text Armin and give him excuse as to why he can't show up. But he sighed instead, giving an eye roll to the room like it personally offended him. In a way it did, he was positive that door was locked.   
\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

So here he stood, his eyebrow twitching uncontrollably at the loud noise pounding out of the house and his hands profusely sweating. He kinda wished he wore a short sleeved shirt instead of the black and red plaid shirt he's wearing. Eren pulled at the long sleeves and looked down at his ripped black skinny jeans to the black boots he had on his feet. He felt stupid. He didn't need to buy a new shirt for the damn party but he did anyways. He had plenty of shirts in his closet, who cares if this is his first party he's ever been invited too. Eren walked up the porch steps, his fist raised to knock it against the door when it was swung open and he was met with the freckles of Marco. "EREN! You came!" He was pulled into a hug before he knew it, he tensed up on instinct alone and he guesses Marco felt it because he pulled back quickly. "I'm so sorry Eren! I'm a hugger and I should have asked!" Eren really did try to just shrug it off but there was this grimace stuck to his face now, his eyes flashing behind him at Armin. He grunted and pushed passed the freckled man towards Armin, trying not to think how rude that actually was. He watch as the blonde raised his hand in a short wave before patting his shoulder. It didn't have him tensing up, having already saw the palm and knowing Armin a lot more than he knew Marco. 

"I'm glad you could make, I thought you might've just ditched it or something." Eren graced that statement with a smile, bringing his fist up to punch lightly at the blondes shoulder. 

"I said I would come, though I did debate on ditching and just staying in the apartment." Oh how he really wanted to do that but here he was at some college party, stepping out of his comfort zone. Oh how Dr. Zoe would be proud. Eren huffed out a quick sigh before pushing a fake smile on his face and allowing Armin to lead the way towards the kitchen. There he saw Jean, Mikasa, Sasha, Connie and a few he didn't recognize. To say his anxiety flared up just bit would be an understatement but he'll pull through it. He stepped around Jean and grab the first of liquor there was on the counter, downing half of its remnants before turning back towards everyone else. "Sup." He spoke when he realized everyone was watching him, his eyebrow raised and his shoulders tensed in a way that he was ready for a fight. Connie shrugged and chuckled a bit before talking about some joke he must of been saying before Eren walked in. Eren felt relief and some of the tension leave his body as everyone seemed to listen to what the short boy was rambling about. Eren himself went back to drinking the whiskey, he discovered it was whiskey, he picked up. 

He watched as Mikasa made her way to him, a ghost of a smile on her lips as she sidled up next him. "Glad you could make it, didn't want to be the only crazy one here." Eren allowed a small smile to pull at his lips, glancing sideways at the raven by his side. 

"What about Armin? He doesn't seem all that crazy." Mikasa actually laughed at that, her eyes leaving him to look towards the blond they were talking about. 

"He's the craziest here, once liquor enters his bloodstream he likes to be the center of the party. Give it another thirty minutes and he'll be halfway naked." Eren was surprised, his mismatched eyes roaming from Mikasa to Armin to already see a flush from the alcohol on his cheeks, his grin wider than usual and how clingy he was to Jean. It was quite funny to see and as Mikasa put it, it would just get worse.

He didn't really stay put long, he left the small group in the kitchen to head to the back porch. The need to smoke persistent on his tongue and in the twitch and shake of his hand. Eren wasn't one to smoke all that often, he could do without it most of the time, but being surrounded by a whole lot of people he didn't know made it rear it's ugly head. So a nice smoke break on the back porch didn't sound so bad, it'll at least make the itch go away. He was glad when he opened the back door to the covered patio that it was devoid of all human life, his whole body sagging in relief at the silence that met his ears. It almost made him not need to smoke but the slight tremor in his hand reminded him that he really did need it. So hands moved swiftly to bring the small beacon of relief out of his coat pocket and bring one of the slithering cancer sticks from them and locked between his lips. The lighter followed next, a small beautiful flame bright amongst the night sky and the dark patio was raised to light the slow death between his lips. The smoke that wrapped around his lungs as he took in the nicotine over his breath. It felt like relief and anything but. 

The creak of the back door opening had his body tensing, he can't believe he let him leave his back exposed like this. He turned his head slowly just in case but fast enough to catch someone if they were gonna attack him. But he saw a flash of grey, a storm, awakening, eyes that screamed life. It was funny how they were attached to someone who looked more ready to keel in boredom or ready to bash someone's face in if they stepped to close without his say so. Eren slowly turned his body so his back wasn't as exposed, hating that this man was blocking the only exit. "It's the brat from before." Came the monotone of pure indifference that for some odd reason sent a chill down the brunets spine. He glared lightly at the man, hating how he had to look up so much to actually do so. 

"You seem a little old to be at this kind of party don't you think?" His reply was full of disdain, he looked at Levi in wariness and shoulders were relaxed enough just in case. Levi seemed to stare through Eren though, not even shooting a snarky comment back at his half attempt at a come back. And all Eren wanted to do was flee but of course the giant asshole was blocking the only way in. Eren could feel himself melting under his collar but as the back door slid open and out walked Mikasa, his saving grace and also this mans younger cousin. 

"Levi? I've been looking for you, did you bring the snacks?" Mikasa's eyes slid over to him, surprise filling them but then a soft smile pulled at her lips. "So this is where you wandered too, Armin was worrying about you." Eren felt relief fill him, it wasn't that he was afraid Levi would hurt him he was afraid the longer he stayed in the mans company the sooner he would realize who Eren was. 

"Yeah, sorry. Stepped outside for a smoke." He raised his cigarette to show her, his eyes moving back to Levi. The man was still staring at him and it unnerved him greatly that his hand began to shake and he had to lower it so neither of them would notice. "Tell em I'll be in after I'm done." He faked a smile over at Mikasa, bringing the cigarette back to his lips. 

"Okay, I will. So Levi?" He watched as Levi followed Mikasa back in, more relief filling him as the back door closed behind the two. He turned back towards the woods, his eyes tracking the trees before looking up at the stars. He plucks the cigarette from his lip, let's the smoke below out of his nose and puts it out. Eren sticks the rest of the fag behind his ear, exhaling and going back inside. The thump of music already shaking his bones, his eyes trail over to the kitchen and they land on Mikasa cousin. Eren could feel his heart thumping even louder than the music and was going to escape and just head back the apartment when an arm falls onto his shoulder. His body goes rigid as the as hot breath smelling way too much of beer wafts against his ear, Eren's eyes widen and thoughts of his father come swimming back. 

"Look at you, you're so small and cute even with that creepy eyes." He could feel his hand began to sweat, he was frozen and never wanted to feel like this again but here he was. "How about me and you find a quiet place and get to know each other? That sound good pretty?" Eren really wished he was back at home now, there he didn't have to worry. Yeah he always was thinking too much but at least he was safe. He couldn't breath and he felt the guy dragging him away, taking his silence as a yes and Eren wanted to scream. 

"Hey, I don't think he wants to go anywhere with you." Jean's voice swam into his ears and for once in his life he was glad to hear it. But the guy kept walking, dragging him along with him and Eren finally tried to pull away. "Douchebag I said he doesn't want to go with you so let him go I'll make you." Eren's looked towards Jean as he stepped closer, he felt Jean grab ahold of his bicep. 

"I think he would have told me so, so why don't you try finding someone else to fuck with because this one is mine." Eren was shaking now, trying tug free from the stranger and as the fucker went to open his mouth a fist connected to it, sending the drunk guy flat on the ground. 

"You okay?" Eren looked away from the knocked out drunk guy and at Jean, his eyes wide and his hand shaky. "I'll tell Ar I'm taking you home, okay? Wait by the front door for me." He just nods, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets and makes his way to the front door but as he got there Levi was leaving as well. The older mans eyes landed on Eren and Eren just wanted cry because he wants this night to be over. He pushes past Levi and quickly down the steps, taking a deep breath of the cold November air. 

"Hey kid, are you alright?" Eren wants to scream no, wants to say that it's all his fault that he's still here. Wants to cry, and cry until it just doesn't hurt anymore. But he doesn't, he looks over at Levi, forces a smile as he exhales from his nose. 

"Yeah, peachy keen."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine!

After he got home, he locked himself in his room and he was glad it was a weekend. Blaming it on how he just had so much school work to do, no I'm fine don't worry I'll see you Monday, was his reply to every text message he got. Which was a whopping number of three. Jean knocked at his door every now and then, saying if you want to talk about it I'm here. Because yeah, he definitely wants to talk about it to Jean if he wasn't even planning on telling Dr. Zoe. But now he was just angry at himself, for freezing up like that. He wasn't that safe weak small defenseless kid anymore but he froze like it was Grisha hovering behind him and he was just gonna let happen. What the fuck is wrong with him? It's not like him to be like this and he can't really blame it one the upcoming date. 

Maybe it was the fact he was back, bringing up unwanted memories. Like when he got home after the beach, wearing somebody's coat and clothes soaked. The beaten he got left him with a broken collarbone, three fractured fingers, four cracked ribs, bruised face and broken noes, and a sprained ankle. But that wasn't the end of it, when drank that night and stumbled his way up the stairs to Eren's room. Eren shook his head, lifting his hand to his cheeks to feel them wet and then brushed them over his collarbone. The phantom pain at just thinking of that night. He sighed, laying back on the bed before turning on his side to pull open the end table drawl. Eren needed to take his medicine, wanted to sleep and not think of his father and or mother. He took the pills dry, trying to ignore the tears slowly streaming down his cheeks. 

The knock to his door shook his bones, having him take in a sharp inhale and roughly wipe away his tears. He pulled hisself from his bed, stopping in front his mirror just to see how pathetic he looked before walking the rest of the way to his door. Unsurprisingly it was Jean. "What do you want man? You've been up my ass all weekend. I know you saved me from that asshole but it doesn't make us bffs that tell each other their feelings." Jean rolled his eyes, making Eren raise an eyebrow when the other male put his hands on his hips and gave him a weird look. "What? Am I supposed to know something just because you stand and look like that? What the hell?" Jean huffed, shaking his head in disbelief before staring at Eren again. 

"You need to leave this room, Armin has been texting me non stop, not that it actually bothers me mind you, but it's all about you." Eren went to close his door, not in the mood for this conversation or even thinking of leaving his room. But of course the horse faced man had to put his foot in the way, stopping Eren from closing it all way. "Come on man, everyone has one of those nights where they get hit on by a perv. It's no big deal." He couldn't really be mad at the guy because he doesn't know, doesn't know what Eren's been through. But Eren is a mess right now and he doesn't need someone snot nosed brat butting into his life. 

"Fuck you, if you don't move that fucking foot I'm going to fucking crush it." Eren's glaze was murderous, his hand tight around the door knob enough to dent it. "I mean it Jean, I don't care about you or how Armin is texting you constantly. Butt the fuck out my life cause you don't know shit about it." With that and Jean's foot finally removed he slammed the door closed, locking it and then punching it. He shouldn't be mad a Jean, should have just kept his mouth shut because Jean doesn't know. But Eren was hurting and he took out some of his anger on the only person available. 

Eren could feel angry tears running down his cheeks and as he was walking by the mirror he caught a glimpse of himself. He didn't like what he sees, he hated what he was seeing and his fist connected with glass before he knew it. Sending pieces of the mirror flying to the floor, his knuckles bleeding and he just felt even more pathetic. Because really? Jean was right it was just some perv and he shouldn't be acting like a shitty person. Eren wanted to scream but instead he slid on his shoes, followed by his coat and was slamming his bedroom door open. "You can tell you boyfriend I'm leaving." He yelled towards Jean's door, making his way to the front door and ignoring the blood running down his fingers.

He wasn't sure where he was going, he had no one or no where to really run too because god made sure his life was shit. Eren just walked and walked, feeling light headed and pain shouting up his arm. He looked down at his hand, not believing he made it all this way without feeling it yet. Eren felt ready to faint, his hand was bad and not only was that going affect his work it might leave some real damage. 

"Mr. Ackerman sent my out here to politely ask if you remove yourself from the shop window." Eren glances at where the voice was coming, his vision slightly blurry from the blood loss but he could make out strawberry blonde hair. And then there was a shriek, Eren was sure the poor women saw his hand. "Oh my god! You need to go to the hospital right away! What are you doing wondering around with an injury like that." He blearily watched as the women rushed back inside for a second and the exiting again with someone towing behind her. Eren looked up at the figure and his eyes met gunmetal once again before he passed out.  
\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

When Eren woke up, it was to the sound of beeping and the smell of something being way too clean. And just by that he knew he was in the hospital, which had dread filling him rather quickly. He was sitting up way too fast but he had to get out of here, he couldn't be in this place for any longer. But then there was a hand on his shoulder, pushing back down against the hospital bed regardless if was as stiff as a rod. "Relax, you're safe. Nothing is going to happen to you." Levi's voice filled his ears and that didn't calm him at all, if anything it had his eyes flying open in slight terror. "Woah woah woah easy kid, deep breaths come on." Eren glared at the man and tried to scoot away with his hands but ended yelling in pain. "That's why I said calm down!" Eren cradled his hand against his chest, squeezing his eyes shut to not cry from pain. 

"Fuck fuck, fuck a duck." He took a deep breath, opening his eyes and looked up at Levi but felt his stomach sink. "Why are you here?" He finally asked, though it was bitter and through clenched teeth. The last part was mainly cause he was still in pain but no one needed to know that. He glanced round the sterile room and all fear of being stuck with Levi left him because he just had to get out of here. "I gotta get out of here, oh fuck." He looked back at Levi, fear and panic in his eyes and he felt so small all over again. He couldn't be here. "Please get me out of here, please." He begged, he could feel that he was panting and sweat dripping down his brow, making its way down his temple.

"Okay, okay. I'll go get the doctor." 

"No!" Eren flew forward, grabbing ahold of Levi's shirt sleeve with his good hand with eyes wide and his breathing labored. "I mean, no. Please? Can't they just send it to my place?" He couldn't stay here any longer, he was scared and being here was bringing back memories. "I-I just can't be h-here any-anymore, please Levi." He watched Levi as the man watched him and for a second it seemed like he was going to get the doctor anyways. 

"Okay, I'll get you out of here." Eren releases Levi's sleeve, watching as the raven walks across the room and picking up clothing. His eyes locked onto the black trench coat in Levi's hands now and he felt panic raise up just a bit. "Here, get changed and then we can get out of here." Eren gulped as he took ahold of his clothes, avoiding Levi's eyes just in case he recognized the jacket. He nodded though, sliding off the hospital bed and quickly making his way over to the bathroom. Eren didn't want to waste anymore time in the damned hospital so he briskly got dressed, tossing the gown into the corner of the bathroom before exiting. He walked out to see Levi whispering harshly into his cellphone and Eren felt slightly uncomfortable watching the other male. 

He didn't like thinking about other people in that way all that much, his fear of being taken advantage or worse made sure of that. But there was no mistaking how attractive the other male was and Eren knew he should be getting out of here. He pulled his eyes away from Levi and towards the door, clearing his throat to get the mans attention. He watched from the corner of his eyes as Levi turned around, saying bye to whoever he was talking to and stuffing his phone into his pocket. "Okay... let's get you out of here."

Eren brought his hand towards his chest as he followed Levi out of the room and down the hall. He wasn't in trouble so he's sure he can get out of here without causing any problems. Eren's eyes moved from the floor to the back of Levi's head, he wondered and feared if the man remembered who he was. He wasn't hundred percent sure why he was so scared that Levi remembered him, what would he do? Tell his parents? Both of them are dead, yeah maybe Armin finds out and then the blond will look at him differently. More so than he already does and that scares him a bit, because he'll be treated differently. He was so far in his head he didn't even release Levi stopped which in turn caused him to walk right into the ravens back. "Oof, fuck." Eren fixed his footing before he could have fallen and then glared up at the man. "Why'd you stop?" Then Eren realized they were no longer in the hospital, his eyes looking up until the met the gloomy sky of winter in New York. "Oh... thank you."

Eren went to step away, find his way back to his apartment where he was sure Armin was at worried and Jean angry. But a hand on his shoulder stopped him and froze and tensed up just as he did at the party last night. His breathing became labored again and he was on the brink of tears, his psyche is down and he's scared. "Hey, where are you going?" Eren opened his eyes and ready to apologize because he knows not to turn his back on his dad but then Levi's voice registers into his mind. Then he breaths, takes another shallow breathe and blinks a few times before turning around. 

"Home? I'm sure Armin is worried about me." His eyes flicker away from Levi's, the gunmetal was too piercing. 

"I texted him, told him I would drive you home." Eren swallowed hard, his eyes moving back to Levi's again just to see the man watching him. 

"And if I don't want you drive me home?"

"Then you walk, but you'll have to explain to Armin why you denied a free and warm ride home." Eren glared at Levi then, pulling his injured hand back to his chest once more but he caught how Levi's lips twitched slightly. 

"Fine... drive me home." He watched as Levi raised an unamused eyebrow. "Please." He followed Levi the rest of the way to the car, still gripping his hand to his chest. When they stopped in front of a sleek black car it didn't surprise him, it practically screamed Levi though he might not know much about the older man he knew enough from his shitty demeanor. The car unlocked and both of them inside he then realized how awkward everything was, making his anxiety raise just a bit more. The car just seemed to soak up the awkwardness as they pulled from the parking garage and out onto the street. 

"I know it isn't any of my business but the doctor said you had broken your hand previously and it didn't heal properly. Like a lot of injuries on you." Eren tensed up again, his eyes flying over to Levi as his palms became sweaty. "They only told me because I had to say I was a relative." He could see Levi watching him from the corner of his eyes and Eren felt his jaw clench, he was mad and he wanted out but he was scared. He always seemed to be scared. 

"Yeah you're right, it isn't any of your business." With that Eren looked away from the man and watched as the buildings drag by. Eren didn't want to think of what his father did to him, he was just not up to it and he felt if all these damned emotions won't stop crushing him at once he'll die. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It wasn't my business." Eren ignored him, pulling into himself as he felt tears pool over his eyes. He couldn't cry, not right now, not in front of someone he didn't really know. Eren closed his eyes tight to stop the tears from falling and just let the silence wash over him. 

Eren didn't realize he fell asleep until he was shook away, a chill running up his spine and his eyes shot open. He felt a panic attack coming at the fear and the bile that was crawling up his throat. The brunet turned his head slowly, his heart slowing down when they met grey and a sense of relief washed over him. He didn't really understand why he was so scared but felt so safe around the older man. Safe enough to fall asleep with his back facing the black haired man. "Where here." Eren looked away from the storm of eyes and up at his apartment building, a small frown pulling his lips downwards. 

"How'd you know how to get here?" Eren looked back at Levi suspiciously, his hand now tight on the door handle and his heart back in his throat. All the other male did was raise an eyebrow and lifted up his phone. Eren's eyes fell from Levi's face to the bright screen, reading the few text messages that were there between Armin and him. "Oh."

"Yeah, I'm not some stalker kid. Now I'm sure your friend is worried and I have other shit to do, so." Levi then indicated to the door with his now free hand and raised his eyebrow once more. 

"Right... sorry for bleeding on your storefront and all that." With that Eren pulls the handle and quickly gets out of the car. He waves awkwardly when Levi pulls off the curb, leaving the brunet feeling stupid and way too paranoid. Not everyone is out to get him and he should know that by now. He takes a deep breath, letting all those anxious emotions flow out with his breath. He knew he was in for a talking too by Armin as soon as he walked up to his apartment. The brunet turns around and heads inside, avoiding the crappy elevator and taking the stair two at a time. He would kill to sleep for a week. 

But as soon as he opened the front door he was consumed in a tight hug, his own arms instinctively wrapping around the blond. He knew he was tensed but so was Armin. "God, I was so worried." And then blond does the mom thing he see all tv moms do, grab ahold of his cheeks and looks him over. 

"Armin I'm fine, plus it was my hand not my face." Then it hits him, his left hand, his dominant hand is broken and banged up. Eren knows what that means, because it's happened so many other times before. He won't be painting or anything close to it. "Damn it!" He realizes now that Armin has his hand cradled in his own. 

"Oh Eren this looks like it hurts badly, do you have pain meds?" Oh Eren really wants to say he's had worse because seriously he has and it rattles his bones thinking about it. 

"I'm fine, I promise. It's just now I can paint until it's healed. Fuck I need to email my teacher." Armin just continues to stare at him with concern but finally lets go of his hand when Eren takes a step towards the kitchen. 

"Are you sure your fine?" Eren just nods and walks through the small opening for the kitchen to come face to face with Jean. And now he feels like an ass because honestly he was being one to Jean. 

"I swept up the glass in room." Jean just stood there with two mugs in his hands, staring at Eren like nothing happened hours ago. 

"Thank you...." Eren wants to look away because he's not good apologies either, well he's not good at anything that involves being social and conversation. "I'm-"

"It's okay; here I made you coffee." Jean shoves Eren's mug into his hand walks past the brunet with a soft pat to the shoulder and over to Armin. Eren smiles lightly down at the coffee exactly the way he likes it and heads into the living room with the other two already snuggled up on the love seat. 

"Wanna watch a movie?" Armin glances over rim of his own mug at him, the blue eyes bright with hope and Eren couldn't say no even if he wanted too. 

"Yeah, sure. What are we watching."


	5. Chapter five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late update, last Sunday I had to go up to Ohio for family business. I have decided I’ll be posting every other Sunday.

Hanji wouldn't stop staring at Eren's hand, her eyes saying just how upset she was about it and the frown that seems so permanent also screams it. "How did it happen?" He let his eyes slip closed, because he knew this question was going to come and especially since she knew Levi. Hanji called later yesterday, after Eren fell asleep while watching the movie with Armin and Jean, asking him to come have a early session. Eren awoke from his nap from his phone ringing in his jacket pocket and he agreed without actually listening. So here he is, Hanji's eyes nearly burning holes into his bandaged hand. 

"I lost my temper..." Hanji was a little shocked because Eren hadn't had an incident since he was sixteen, the man on the receiving end of this little mans fury was sent to the hospital. Eren was once again almost sent to juvie, though they wanted to try him as a adult for nearly killing the man and there was the incident with the foster dad. "My emotions were foggy and I got angry, before I knew it I was punching my mirror and then passing out in front of Levi's shop." Eren didn't see the need to lie or even keep it to himself, obviously she knew something was up. "I'm not sure why I lost control like that... I wanted to blame it on the impending date but I also know it's not the only reason." Eren felt himself just talking, the anger he felt scared him this time because he thought he was better. Or was getting better and something so simple set him off. He didn't want to be that angry little kid anymore. "I don't know what's wrong with me Hanji." He found himself saying, tears pushing against his eyelids as he clenched his good hand shut, he just didn't want to hurt anymore and most definitely didn't want to hurt anyone. That mirror could have been Jean, and though he can barely stand the guy he would never forgive himself for beating him to an inch of his life just because he couldn't control himself. Eren felt the spot next to him sink from added weight and he found himself opening his eyes and looking up into Hanji's. The brunettes own eyes were also filled with tears, her hand coming up slowly so he can see it coming, to cup Eren's cheek.

"Oh honey, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You've gone through stuff that has damaged you in ways only you know but that doesn't mean there's something wrong." He felt Hanji's thumb brush lightly against his cheek and Eren knew he leaned into the touch, the tears finally spilling because god he hasn't felt a touch so gentle in so long if he was honest. "I'm here to help you Eren, I want to help you. I don't want you to be afraid of what you'll do." Eren pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded because he wanted to be better and if someone was going to help it would be Hanji. Heaven knows how long she's tried. 

"Thanks Hanji."  
\---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Eren found himself behind the bar later that night, still not exactly feeling himself. Whatever that was supposed to be. One of his coworkers called in and regardless of the hand he decided to come in as a replacement anyways. He was mainly there for support when it got way too hectic, using his forearm to hold up the tray and his good hand to pass out the drink orders. He needed to get his mind off this morning and the date, and working himself to sleep everyday was slightly helping that. Though when Eren showed up with his messed up all bandaged Nanaba wasn't all that happy to let Eren work, but she allowed it with being short staffed that night. Annie gave one look at his hand when he made his way behind the bar, her eyebrow raised more in understanding rather than confusion. Eren and Annie weren't friends, never viewed each other that way, they grew up in the same foster home together. At least the last one Eren went to before he came of age. Annie didn't know exactly what happened to Eren and Eren didn't know exactly what happened to Annie but they had an understanding, they knew the each other too well and that sometimes scared Eren. Annie looked at the date of her phone and Eren's face just to know why everything looked so wrong with Eren. He hated it most of the times, that she could read him so easily but he could see through her own blank exterior to know that she was worried about him. "I'm fine Annie, I already talked to Dr. Zoe about it."

Annie wasn't all gung-ho about psychiatrist or therapist but she knew Eren trusted Hanji enough to continue going to her all these years regardless being court assigned. "I wasn't asking, take this to table five." Eren found himself with another tray on his arm, rolling his eyes as he makes his way to the table. He could feel Annie's eyes on his back and he felt like even if she didn't say anything about the matter tonight was going to be a long night. 

But it wasn't too long until the bar was in full swing, college students making there way in, old regulars in their same spots and sometimes to patrons that found the small hole in the wall bar. It kept Eren on his feet, always alert but for some reason he couldn't leave this place no matter how many people surrounded him all night long. Just a little after eleven Reiner and Bert walked in, Reiner all smiles and Bert a nervous wreck as they made their way to the bar. Annie's attitude shifting a bit, not that you could tell if you looked at her. Eren just got back behind the bar when Annie was handing the two guys their drinks. "Hey Bert, Reiner. I was wonder when you two trouble makers were gonna show up." Eren jokes, leaning his forearms on the recently wiped down bar top which resulted a glare from Annie. "I'll wipe it down again in a sec, sweetheart." Eren throw her a sly grin, entering this slight persona he built up for when he was in the bar and when he was around these two giants. Annie always rolled her eyes at it but Eren sometimes enjoyed it. He let his eyes wonder the the whole bar, taking in the rowdy college students in the back that won't be here long if Nanaba has to come out and quiet them down and then back too the giants in front of him. Bert wasn't as nervous anymore with liquor being in him now, Reiner seemed to smile even more brightly now. 

"Y-Yeah we wou-would h-have been-en here s-sooner if R-Reiner didn't ta-take so long get-getting r-ready." Eren watched even though Bert sounded annoyed he had a soft fond look on his face, Eren just raises an eyebrow at the couple and then to Annie who happened to be down at the other end of the bar now, serving some drunk girl a very strong fruity drink. His eyes were back on them as Reiner was finishing signing something to Bert, the tall male eyebrows furrowed before they landed on Eren's hand. "He-he wants to kkno-w wha-t hap-happened." Eren looked over their shoulders too see the college students asking for another round, Eren sighing because he really hated serving drunk college students. 

"I gotta go get them another round, I'll be back." With that he piled bottles of beers onto the tray and made his way over there, forcing a smile onto his face. He stopped in front of the table, placing a few beers in front of the college men. "Hello gentlemen, hope you're enjoying the atmosphere." Eren ginned, placing the last few beers in front of the rest of the males and slid the tray between his arm and side. "Can I get you guys anything else?" If he was being honest he did enjoy the female patrons better, he could handle the flirting looks and the come ons because he knows deep down he would never accept them. Even though he wouldn't quite feel right accepting the males either, it's just the males are just sometimes more pushy about it. Like at the house party and Eren really didn't want to think about that right now. He grinned when got a chorus of 'I'm goods' from all of them and then stopped at an empty table to pick up the empty bottles and cups before wiping the table down with the dish cloth he kept in his back pocket. When he found himself behind the bar once more Annie was back in front of the two giants and by the look on Annie's face it wasn't anything good. "You good hun?" Her face shifts back before she looks over at Eren, an eyebrow raised and then she just shrugs her shoulder. 

"Yeah, I'm fine babe." And before he could actually question the blonde he was called back to the same table full of college students. So with a huff and a eye roll he quickly makes his way back to the table, fake smile firmly placed on his lips. 

"How ca-" But before Eren can finish his sentence his chin was gripped tightly in the guy closest to him hands, and he finds the grip just a tad bit to tight. 

"You're right Kenneth our bartender does have two color eyes." The drunkard slurs right into Eren's face, the other hand coming up to brush a finger under his eye and the sound of a stool from where Reiner and Bert were sitting could be heard scraping against the floor. "He has such pretty long eyelashes too, just like a girls." He slurs some more and then another fucktard make his way behind Eren and before anymore can happen he growls. 

"Hey fucker, if you even think about grabbing my ass I'm gonna kick your balls in." And then he glares up at the fucker that was holding his chin and tries to pull away. "You better let go of me or your gonna be in a lotta hurt, dick." His eyes flash to Reiner as he begins to make his way to Eren, but Eren shakes his head no. He was gonna deal with these bitches himself. "I warned you." With that he grips the dicks arm with his good hand, twisting it enough and then with his other arm he brings his elbow down on the guys. Hard. The crack is only half as satisfying but before Eren can even get away the guy behind him grabs him from behind in a bear hug. Eren doesn't hesitate, he grabs ahold of the guys arms even if it hurts his injure hand and yanks downward. Once in that position he stomps down onto his foot, slamming his head back against the fuckers own face and then steps forward. With unbalancing him even more he finally kicks back, right into the douches groin. And thus successfully freeing him but sadly he was to occupied to see a third one stand up and then dock in right in the face. 

"You stupid little bitch! I'll show you what a real man is like." Eren really didn't get what that was coming from nor did he care, it did send a chill down his spine. And before he could dwell on it more he spit the blood out and readied his non injured hand, punching the shit out of the dude as his nose cracked from the impact. 

"Yeah tough luck." Eren spit down at him and then he focused his eyes on the last guy, just standing there looking at all of this warily. "Now am I gonna have to beat the shit out of you too or are gonna take you buddies and get your asses out of here?" Eren hissed, leaning down and yanking out the first fuckers wallet then waving it at the only guy standing. "To pay for the bill." He smirked, yanking our a fifty and tossing the wallet back down on he guy silently crying. "Mike!" With that Eren walked back behind the bar, accepting the shot Annie hands him and downs it as everyone goes about themselves.

Eren was walking home early that morning after his shift ended, Annie walking beside him as she pulls out a pack of cigs and offers one to the brunets. "You should ice that once you get home." She mumbled before walking in the direction she lives in and Eren had to shake his head at her, her way that she shows she cares. He takes a drag of the cigarette before stuffing his hands into his pockets to fight away the cold that was biting at them. The exhale of the smoke came out his nose, Eren blinking away the tiredness that gathered in the corners of his eyes, or at least tried too. By time he finished his second cigarette he was outside of Levi's shop and now that he was bleeding out in front of it he could tell it was a bakery. Eren held back a snort at that, the scowling black haired man standing behind a counter and handing out pastries flashes behind his eyelids as the smell of backed goods hit his nose. Then Eren's stomach let out an embarrassing loud grumble as the bakery doors opened, revealing the girl that had found Eren. He winced when they made eye contact but the strawberry blondes eyes widen in surprise. 

"You're that kid from before!" She winced then smiling sheepishly at Eren. "It's good to see that you're alright, I had asked Levi but it's always good to know with your own eyes." Eren forced a smile and nodded his eyes going from the bakery and the girl and down the road in the direction he needs to go. Before he can politely excuse himself the scent of the bakery hit him again and sent his stomach in various weird gargling sounds. His face flushed in embarrassment at the sound as his eyes widened as did the strawberry blondes. "You must be hungry. How bout you come inside and try one of Levi's famous chocolate croissants?" Eren went to shake his head no but she was already grabbing ahold of his arm and tugging him inside. Which had Eren tensing way too much for comfort before he shoved down into a seat with a warm smile. "I'll be right back." With that Eren watched the strawberry blond disappear behind swinging doors. 

Eren sighed in quick relief for a second before the doors swung open and out came the girl, followed by Levi himself. The brunet felt his stomach sink at the sight of the raven, which he should have known since it was his store. "What happened to your face?" The brunet really thought it was none of the taller mans business, and the more he sat here the longer he just wanted to be home. 

"A little scuffle at work." Eren didn't know why he said anything or why Levi's eyebrow rose in what seemed to be slight concern. The brunet huffed and looked down at his hand so he didn't have to look at Levi's face anymore, he shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be spending more time with the raven, doing so might have Levi remembering who Eren is what had happen six years ago. "I work at a bar, some drunks got handsy so I showed them the door. One just got lucky and got a hit in." Eren mumbled looking up to see the strawberry blonde walking back with the chocolate croissant she had mentioned earlier and placed it in front of him. 

"His stomach was making all kinds of noises, like he hasn't eaten in days." She chuckled, before reaching a hand out towards Eren with a friendly smile on her lips. "I never did introduce myself, I'm Petra." Eren gives a small tentative smile back in return, taking the small hand and giving it a quick shake before retreating. 

"Eren." It seems that her smile even more friendlier, which should be impossible but then his mind went back to Marco and how friendly and saintly that guy is. He tried smiling just a bit less like he was in pain and more like he liked being in her presence. 

"It's nice to meet you cutie." Eren fought the embarrassed flush that tried to rise up his neck and splay across his cheeks as he glanced away from Petra. Though he ended up looking at Levi's chest instead and he hating how his mind supplied how tight the dress shirt the raven had on was across his chest. Eren gulped and looked down at the pastry instead, bringing his hand up to tear a piece off of it. 

"Nice to meet you too ma'am." Petra kinda cringes at that but her smile never really falters which is kinda a relief. Because leave it to Eren to screw and interaction with someone he doesn't already know. 

"No need to be so formal sweetie, I'll leave you two be and check on the pastries in the oven." Eren gives a little wave as she disappears behind the swing doors and then looks towards Levi when he takes a seat across from him. He knows Petra just said she was leaving the two of them but still, he was kinda wishing the taller man would have left as well. Levi just sits there with his legs crossed, elbows on the table and a phone in his hand and Eren knows the raven is looking at him. Can feel the stare against his forehead as he continues to pull pieces of the croissant and stuffing them into his mouth. 

"You look tired... don't sleep?" Eren's eyes snap up to Levi's and He purses his lips at the raven, eyes set in a glare. 

"You ask to many questions for someone doesn't need to be." Eren grits his teeth, standing up and walks towards the door because honestly he should have been gone before he even stepped inside. As he's pushing the doors open though there's a hand on his shoulder, he tenses first of course but he knew who the hand belonged too and before he knows it he's relaxing. So Eren glances over his shoulder, needing to look up because honestly Levi's probably 6'1 give or take and Eren is barley at 5'4 and. Levi's fave is kind of pinched like he knew why he stopped Eren but doesn't know how to express it and Eren for some reason doesn't pull away even though everything in him is screaming too. Because Levi can be remembering and that has a lump forming in Eren's throat but he just can't walk away, it's the eyes Eren concludes. Though the ravens face seems so devoid of emotion other than annoyance his eyes speak wonders and Eren wants to look away, needs to look away. "What?" It feels like it's been punched out of him, he's a little breathless and then Levi's pulling his hand away with a shake of his head. For some reason Eren feels his heart sink and his lips purse at that before he walks out the door. 

He doesn't get to far when he looks over his shoulder, watches as Levi just turns around and walks back to the swing doors. Eren doesn't know what to think or why his life seems to twist and intertwine with Levi's the way it does.


	6. Chapter six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, I know it’s super duper late but I had eye surgery about two weeks ago so li couldn’t have worked on it. I have finished this chapter and all mistakes are mine. I hope you enjoy and I hope I get the next chapter done by the next update day. And thank you for reading and waiting.

That date was today and Eren was all over the place, one second he'll be angry the next he's curled up in his bed and then he's restless while his mind is going a mile a minute. No matter how hard he tried not to let today get him it always did, no matter how much he prepared himself before today. He somehow managed to pull himself from his room in one of Armin's hoodies draping over him like a dress as the sweats that he knew belonged to Jean that somehow ended up in his laundry drug against the hardwood of the apartment. Jean was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the tv when Eren plopped down next to him looking worse for wear. Eren just felt a tad bit lonely at the moment but didn't have it in him to call and talk to Armin so he decided Jean would suffice. He sat quietly next to the two toned horse face, blinking at what looked like a commercial for cars? He wasn't sure. He was glad Jean didn't say anything, really didn't want to hear his voice just wanted his quiet company. Though all good things come to an end as Jean decided to open his mouth anyways and held himself back from smacking the horse in the face and just walking back to his room. 

"Hey, how are you." Eren blinked his eyes away from the tv screen that was now showing COPS and up at Jean's ugly face blankly. Then just looked right back at the tv while he sank more into the couch, his shoulder brushing up against Jean's bicep. 

"I'm fine. Shhh, cops is on." He mumbles out, blindly slapping at Jean's face and just letting himself enjoy the show while he could. Eren pointedly ignored the stare that was burning into the side of his face by Jean at least he did until he couldn't take it anymore. He pursed his lips and then glared at Jean because he seriously didn't want to talk to Jean. Just wanted to sit here until he got his fill and then wondered his way back into his bedroom to cry into his pillow until he passed out. "What?" Eren snapped, huffed out a annoyed sigh before glaring even harder at the two toned haired male. Jean's eyes just widen in slight surprise at Eren's tone, his own lips pursing as he finally stopped looking at Eren. Which Eren sighed in relief for and turned back to cops, wiggling a bit to get just that more comfortable as he ignored the fact that he was practically glued to Jean's side now. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" Eren huffed out an annoyed sigh then, laying his head back and shoving his hands onto his face. He really didn't want to talk right now, his lips were more loose than they usually were because of how emotionally and physically tired he is. 

"Damn it Jean, please. I just want to fucking sit here and watch cops before I go back into my room and fucking dwell on why I'm a fucking miserable person all the fucking time! So can you just shut the fuck up and let me enjoy this for a bit?" Eren's chest was heaving, he didn't remove his hands cause he knew some tears were gathered in his eyes because he was miserable and today just makes him feel worse. "I just.... I just want to feel okay for a bit alright. Please." He then whispers, taking a heaving breath and wiping his face before finally removing his hands from his face. Jean was staring at him, face didn't show pity thank goodness because he didn't want that. But it did show understanding and next he knew Jean's arm was wrapped around his shoulder as he looked back to the tv himself. "Thanks." Eren whispered once more, his eyes watering slightly again but this time he just looked at the tv and allowed himself to relax. 

"Shhh, cops is on." Jean said and Eren felt his lips twitch a bit at his own words coming out of the two toned hair male. 

Eren woke in the same position, he realized why he woke up too because Jean was snoring loudly right above his head. Eren groaned out in annoyance and from the slight tang in his neck when he pulled away from Jean's obnoxious ass. He blinked at the tv still playing COPS and wondered how long he had actually been asleep for. But by looking out the window he could guess about an hour or two. The sun albeit a bit cloudy was high in the sky and Eren would probably count that as the only amount sleep he might get today. He then pulled himself completely off the couch, stretching out his back and groaning at the pinch still in his neck. He ignored it the best he can because that's all he could do and made his way to the kitchen, his throat dry and his mind still foggy from sleep. But once he walked in Armin was standing there, frowning down at his phone as he rapidly typed away on it. 

"Ar? What are you doing here?" Eren was shocked and surprised to see the blond standing there and just a bit freaked out. The blond in question's head snapped up, his lips pulled into a carefree smile and that relaxed Eren a lot. 

"Sorry to startle you, Jean and I were supposed to go have lunch together. I was supposed to meet up with him at our favorite place but an hour passed and he didn't show up." Armin shrugged at that, stuffing his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. "So I came here, saw y'all passed out and took some pictures." Eren scowled at that, Armin's grin just seemed to widen. "I'm glad to see my best friend and boyfriend getting along even though it was a little startling to see you two passed out on the couch with cops reruns on." At that Eren sent a sheepish smile at the blond and Armin just waved it off, walking over to the fridge and pulling it open. "I'm kidding, I know nothing was going on. But I told you Jean was a good person, just got to see through his asshole façade." Eren wasn't so sure about that, he guess he can stand being around him now but just barely. He continued to watch Armin scrummage through the fridge until he came back up with a whole lotta different foods in his hands. "Hungry?" 

"Yeah, a little I guess." He glances back through the doorway, seeing the flashing of the tv before deciding to sit at the small round dining table in the kitchen. Armin was placing the veggies he had in his arms down by the stove and then began scrummaging in the cabinet beside it. Then suddenly everything everything at once seemed to shift, Eren's jaw clenched and his eyes flooded with tears. He had to get out of here before he started bawling like a baby in front of Armin, he didn't need to worry the blond with his life problems. He's already did that enough with Jean already, obviously because he was meant to go somewhere with Armin but by dealing with Eren he got stuck and lost track of time. Eren felt his throat close up next and then was quick to stand up, images of his mom in their kitchen singing along to the record player she always kept in the corner of the kitchen.

He really needed out of here, like now and without drawing too much attention to himself. He didn't need Armin noticing his shift in mood, didn't need the blond asking him questions. So Eren made quick steps to the exit, his heart pounding with fear and his eyes were filled with too much tears causing everything to be a blur. Before he knew it he was smashing right into Jean, in which was still half asleep and was easily knocked over. Eren was scrambling to get up when Armin was walking out of the kitchen, tears already flowing down the brunets cheeks as he looked at Jean. Not wanting Armin to see him cry as well. He was mad at himself, the fact he let his guard down and let his emotions show so easily, especially to Jean twice in one day. Eren's throat was too tight and the tears flowing down his cheeks in big blobs and before he knew it he was pulled into a hug. "I got it babe, how bout you go get us lunch huh?" Jean's voice ranged over his head and he felt the rumble of the words from where his face was buried in Jean's chest. 

As he heard quick steps leave the kitchen and out the front door he felt horrified, he felt disgusting and pathetic all over again. He was feeling like a burden once more, his fathers words ringing quite loudly in his ears as he seemed to not stop bawling into Jean's chest. He wanted to run an hide and stay there forever. Not to worry or burden anyone anymore. So that's what he tried to do, he tried to pull himself away from Jean, to run his room but the grip on his seemed ironclad and Eren was too much of a mess to let the fear rip into him. "Let go, please just let go." Eren wailed, even as he was contradicting himself by holding on to the back of the other males shirt tighter. 

"You're hurting and I'm not gonna let you go in your room just to wallow in it." What does Jean know? What does he know about pain, about how much Eren hates any thought of remembrance of his mother. She was suppose to be here for him, to protect him but she's not and he was left with a man like his father. He was hurt and touched by his father when it wasn't suppose to be that way. So what does Jean know?

"Please... I want to be alone, I deserve to be alone." No matter how much he wants to blame his mother he knows it wasn't her fault, she was sick and there was no helping that. His father was angry and he took the blunt end of that anger all the way until his father passed away. But his fathers words will always be drilled into his head that he deserved everything that happened to him. It was Eren's fault and he would always deserve to be alone. And as the revelation hit him, his chest heaved and tears flooded his eyes because he always thought he would be someone greater than what his father said he would be. But here Eren was, scared and pathetic while using fucking drugs to keep somewhat sane. If he could even call it that. He took a wobbly step back, his hands to his chest as he stared wide eyed at Jean and the tears fell silently down his cheeks. "I have to be alone." 

He was hoping with that Jean would just let him go, let Eren run away again but all he got was pulled into the guys arms. The brunet stilled, body rigid when it happen and looked wide eyed into Jean's shoulder. He was scared but at the same time he felt relief wash over him and then he felt his whole body sag. He didn't know what it was about Jean that made him open up more than he did to his own therapist but it happened. He's already broken down in front the guy three times and maybe it's because they despised each other even that sound weird. But Eren didn't know when his shifted his good hand to the back Jean's shirt and began to hold like a lifeline as Jean seemed to hold all that much tighter. 

"You're not alone and you don't deserve to be alone, whoever should you that shit you need to shove it back into their fucking face." Eren wanted to laugh a bit, some of it was true, Eren wasn't really alone though sometimes he felt it but he did deserve. And there was no way he could return it to the seller anyway. "I don't know what you're going through shrimp and I'm sure you think I don't care but your boyfriends best friend and my roommate. I know I'm dick but I'm here if you need to talk man." Eren sniffles and pulled away, bring his hand to wipe away the snot and tears before schooling his face. He was done crying in front Jean. 

"I'm good, uh, don't worry about me." He shook his head and turned his eyes to the floor. "Jus- please don't mention this to Armin. He already worries about me enough." With that he looks back up at Jean, he didn't want what's happened to be mentioned ever again. "Honestly I don't need him to worry about me, we all have our bad days." With a nod from Jean and an unconvincing face shot his way as well Eren scurried his way back to his bedroom, needing to pull himself together once again.

When Eren made it back into his room without Jean stopping him once more he quickly closed the door behind him and locked it before he slid down it. His hand covered his mouth to stifle the sobs that wanted to burst out of him, his heart thumped too fast and too hard in his chest. His fathers voiced wouldn't leave his head and his mothers sickly smile as she tried to make Eren laugh kept flashing before his eyes. Eren never truly wanted to die like he had when he set out that day so long ago again in awhile. He couldn't believe how much everything was getting to him lately. His chest tightened when he heard the front door open and quiet voices wafted through bus bedroom door. With a shuddered breath he pulled himself back off the floor, taking slow quiet steps to his nightstand and when he pulled the drawl open and saw that his pill bottle was empty he felt his stomach sink. Eren didn't know what to do, he didn't want to go back out there and he didn't want to call Hanji because he honestly didn't want to be stuck in a hospital right now no matter how he felt about taking his life. 

It was funny how just a few weeks ago, though he knew the impending date was slowly inching its way to him, he was good. He felt like he could somewhat exist with other people but everything came crashing down in a blink of a eye. What had him tip over the edge? Was it seeing Levi? What has made his so weak? Eren sat on the floor in front of his nightstand, empty pill bottle in hand as he wept silently, he was so weak and pathetic. 

When he opened his eyes again his knees hurt and creaked when he finally uncurled himself from the sitting-sleeping position he had himself in. His eyes went to the bay windows to see the night sky with snow blowing across his window. He blinked and dropped the bottle he still had clenched in his hand, his fingers protecting as he tried stretching them. The brunet let out a long slow sigh, rested his back and head against his bed as he watched the snow fall and dwelled on what happened a few hours prier. He was embarrassed and angry at how he acted, how he broke down in front Jean, how he just let his mind get the better of him. He didn't know how he was going to face his roommate ever again. Before Eren can drag himself through the dirt more his stomach let out a loud and startling growl, practically eating itself. Eren rolled his eyes at its whining and pulled open the bottom drawl after closing the top one and pulled out a granola bar. As he munched on it he began to think about all that happened, how he wished he could view this day as something more than a depressing thought. He knew it was unhealthy and he knew if his body didn't practically shut itself down earlier he might've actually killed himself. That thought sent a shiver down his spine now cause he was still waiting for it to get better. He sighed, after placing the trash down next to him he began to tug at his hair a little bit. He felt like nothing was going to get better though, not for him at least, one memory of his mom sent him a on a spiral of all kinds of emotions. 

He huffed and stood up, ignoring his protesting knees as he began to strip his clothes off. The brunet needed to clear his head, not by making his thoughts just foggy. As he pulled his joggers on he heard a knock at his door and without realizing he still didn't have a shirt on he pulled the door open to reveal Jean there. 

"Hey, how ar- what the fuck happened to you!?" Eren stares confused for point five seconds before he looked down at his scarred and very exposed chest, his eyes wide he slammed the door. His chest was heaving again and fucking hell why did Jean always fucking have to trigger him. The brunet hurriedly pulled a shirt on as he heard quick knocks on his door. "Eren, fuck I'm sorry. Open up, please. I told you I was a dick, an insensitive one at that shit dude I'm sorry." He only opened it after he had a hoodie on and so Jean would just shut the fuck up. And plus he had to go through it and Jean to get out of the apartment. "Hey, fuck I'm sorry."

"You already said that." Eren said, voice detached of emotions as he looked past Jean's head. "Sorry you had to see that, now can you move? I was going to go for a run." With that he slid past his roommate after slipping his running shoes on and closing his door. He quickly made his way to the front door with Jean on his heel still apologizing and continued to do so even when he stepped out of the apartment. As the brunet quickly made his way down the stairs he thought about just getting a new fucking roommate, fuck maybe he should just hop on a plane and flee the country? Soon as his feet hit the sidewalk outside he took off into a run, heading straight to the trail he found a while back but have yet to run it yet. He once again put yet another encounter with Jean to the back of his mind as he let the New York winds and snow nip at his nose and cheeks.


End file.
